Did you love her?
by LexieBird
Summary: "We need to talk." Rose says, firmly but softly. After all, she's got a right to know, doesn't she? Set a about week after Girl in the Fireplace. Ten/Rose, a bit of Ten/Reinette.


"We need to talk." Rose says, firmly but softly. The Doctor looks up, eyebrows raised.

"Alright-y then." He replies, closing the book he's been reading, confused as to where this is going. He's in the library right now, in his Super-Comfy Reading Chair, and Rose is just in the doorway, still fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. It's late, relatively speaking of course, so Mickey the Idiot is in bed. Where Rose should be, the Doctor thinks. Though not with him. Not the _same_ bed. No. He's not having any of _that_ on _his_ TARDIS. Certainly not when it involves Rose.

"What's up?" He moves over in the chair, as it's big enough for two - a snug and cuddly two, that is. Instead, Rose pulls up another chair to sit facing him. He shuffles back to the middle of his chair awkwardly.

"Just… I didn't bring it up at the time, because, well, it was really obvious that you weren't alright. And if it wasn't for Mickey saying that you 'needed your space' and 'didn't want to talk about it' then I would've anyway. In fact, if Mickey was still awake I probably wouldn't be here." She says in a bit of a rush. This is obviously something she's planned, and the Doctor knows that there will be no avoiding of whatever uncomfortable subject she is going to bring up. He sits up a bit in his chair, then leans over, looking down at his feet for a moment before running his hand through his hair. He looks up at Rose.

"What is it, then?" He says resignedly, eyes studying her carefully. She hesitates before responding. She's spent quite some time figuring out how to broach the subject with him.

"I just- wanted to talk about that space station? With the clockwork droids and-"

"Reinette." The Doctor finishes for her. So this was what had been bugging her. He _had_ been surprised when she hadn't brought it up, but had thought… well, he hadn't really thought about it at all. He'd really been trying to forget about that particular incident, like he did with anything that he regretted - though, by avoiding the subject he'd also avoided deciding exactly _what_ he regretted.

"Well, yeah." Rose admits. He really, really should've seen this coming. After all, after meeting Sarah-Jane she'd insisted on seeing photos of every companion he'd ever had (which turned out to be a surprisingly long list, with an embarrassingly large number of young girls in it. Damn Peri and her bikini-like tops), which had then led to embarrassing regeneration photos. Point is, she's stubborn and will _not_ let a subject be dropped until she's done with it.

"Go on then." He says, with a slight nod of the head. He's not quite sure what to expect - anger? Accusations? Tears? He didn't think he could handle it if she cried. If he made her cry.

"I'm okay with it." She says, surprising him. "I've grown up since I met Sarah-Jane. I really don't mind. I never apologised about that, by the way. I really overreacted." She adds, but continues on before the Doctor gets a chance to speak. "Thing is, I'm okay with it, but I'd just like to know-" She takes a deep breath. _This_ is what she's been planning to ask. "Did you love her?"

Rose lets the Doctor take his time to answer. He opens his mouth to do so a few times, but stops, stroking his chin, or running his hand through his hair, or just frowning. Little does Rose know, she's just asked him the question he'd been avoiding asking himself for almost a week now.

"Yes." He finally decides, wanting to be honest with her. For her sake, and for Reinette's sake. "But- I wouldn't have… I _shouldn't_ have…" The Doctor sighs. "I shouldn't have left you there. I wouldn't have - I _didn't_ choose her over you, even though that's not quite what it looks like." Nope, he'd pick Rose every time. He knew that. He'd just been very selfless. And selfish, in some respects. But mostly, he'd been cowardly. Much easier to face up to evil clockwork monsters and the Slow Path than tell Rose that he'd sacrifice the entire world's history for her.

So maybe he wouldn't choose her every time. He didn't have to. He _couldn't_.

"Okay," Rose accepts, but she looks a bit upset.

"She couldn't have come with us anyway. And I knew the portals weren't linear. Stupid." He mutters to himself. He settles back into his chair, staring at the ceiling, then speaks again before Rose can leave. "I only loved her because she, by some flukey chance, saw me. While I was in her mind, she slipped into mine. And she saw. The bad parts of me. And she didn't run away screaming." He sighs. "Funny reason to love someone. And she, of course, only loved me because I saved her life. Can cloud someone's judgement, that. She probably would've hated me if she knew me at all."

"She knew you. You said. She _saw_ you." Rose says quietly, to keep him talking. Mickey's wrong - he needs to talk.

"Rose, she saw three things." He looks down at her for a moment, before gazing back at the ceiling. "First, she saw a- a little bit of Gallifrey. My childhood, that I was lonely. That made her feel sorry for me. Then, she saw all the terrible things I've done, but felt the guilt too. So, she's already pitying me, and she likes me, just because she's seen me a couple of times over the years. Then, that pity-like, and my guilt, makes her come to the conclusion that I can't be all bad. Then, she sees me saving her life - not in my mind, anymore, but in real life, so she decides she loves me. And she doesn't know a thing about me. _You_ know me better. Maybe even Mickey does." He pauses before continuing. "Didn't even know why I travel. Oh yes, making a difference, saving lives, but she didn't _really _know why." He looks down and meets her eyes. "You know why." He says, and looking into those eyes she really, really does.

He travels to forget. Because if he stays still, everything will come crashing into him and he'll have to face up to what he's done. But he travels and _helps_ to people to possibly counteract the bad. Whether it's his fault or not. Making a difference was only part of it, she knew.

Little does Rose know, this has _always_ been the reason for his travels. She assumes he only ran away _after_ the War, but he started traveling in the first place because he'd broken the rules. Run, run, run, away from the consequences.

"Besides, there's different… levels, of love." He decides, almost speaking to himself. "What I felt for her - it wasn't unimportant, but it was _different_, wasn't as much as what I feel for- for other people." He says, realising the Rose is still here. Rose sits up a bit at this - _feels_, not _felt_. _Feels_ as in currently. Right now. Her? Not her. Couldn't possibly be her.

The Doctor doesn't want her to press the matter, doesn't want her to ask. But she's Rose Tyler, and the subject won't be dropped until she's done with it.

"Who?" She asks softly. The Doctor merely turns and stares at her. Rose looks into his eyes, and sees more of him there than Reinette did in his mind; she sees age and death and sorrow and pity and longing and tiredness and love- _love?_ Then she sees the tilt in his head and the stiffness of his body and she knows, just knows that right now, in his head, he's screaming at himself to tell her, to open his mouth and say _something_. But she knows he won't, and isn't surprised when he looks down.

She surprises him when he looks up and sees her smiling. She stands, walking over to him and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"I know." She whispers gently, before going off to bed.

* * *

_I've been meaning to do a Reinette story for quite some time now. I've got another one where he goes all telepathic on her, like he did with Reinette, but it ends up all kiss-y and stupid. And is very long, and still unfinished. Also, this kinda adresses the 'Oh, she knows.' thing from The Satan Pit (though I don't see why so many people think it needs addressing). And it briefly mentions the whole Sarah-Jane thing. I like to think that Rose was in a bad mood that day - maybe it was her 'time of month'? Or that she'd asked and the Doctor had implied she was the only one to have travelled with him, or something. And that she apologised later. _

_Anyway, it's more Ten/Rose stuff, as per usual._


End file.
